What makes a man a man? Try these ten skills for starters.
It used to be that every problem-solving tool a guy needed could be hung on a tool belt. Nowadays sensitive new age gents are expected to bake the ideal airy soufflé, throw the perfect dinner party and (ye Gods) actually be capable of holding a conversation. All this chin-wagging means there’s no time left to practice the arts that define us as men to begin with. In the cushy confines of the office where manual dexterity constitutes no more than coordinating Ctrl Alt Delete, no one tends to notice.
Then one day (while surrounded by a posse of women) a task arises that calls for good old-fashioned macho know-how. It’s a definitive moment that can instantly elevate you to the status of alpha male. Do you step up to the challenge and attack it with the confidence, or do you meddle feebly and prove as useful as breasts on a bovine?
1. Replace a broken tile.
The first rule of tile removal according to Ron Gattone, a builder with 28 years experience who now manages Mitre 10 in Anandale, is to not go at it with a hammer and chisel. “The biggest difficulty is not damaging the surrounding tiles. When you’re hammering that energy needs to go somewhere and usually it goes to the edges,” he says. The result: more broken tiles.
Grab your trusty diamond tip angle grinder (OK you might need to buy one) and cut a perimeter inside the broken tile about 10 millimeters from the edge. (For beginners try three parallel cuts 20 millimeters apart.) The purpose explains Gattone is to create a kind of impact well “so you can chisel towards those cuts”.
When the center has broken out the rest should crumble easily, glue and all. “Don’t be afraid of really cleaning it out before you set the new tile,” he says. A depression can be built up to around five millimeters with tiling adhesive. Clean the grout and glue your new tile in position. “Wall tiles will naturally want to slump down but you can wedge a piece of cardboard as thick as the grout under the bottom edge to create perfect alignment,” he says. When the glue sets apply your grout.
2. Un-bogging your car.
George Cottee estimates that he’s been bogged at least 120 times but he’s no hapless fool. It’s a part of his job as a driving instructor for Australian National Four Wheel Drive Council. He teaches by one very simple rule: “If you don’t have to drive through it, don’t.” OK maybe two simple rules. ” If you don’t start to move in two seconds, get out and have a look at your vehicle.”
According to Cottee two-wheel drives and all-wheel drives behave the same when bogged. “One wheel loses traction and they all stop,” he says. Four wheel drives have a better chance but they’re by no means full proof. “Jiggle the steering wheel to get some side grip”, he suggests to four wheel and front wheel drive owners, but warns to make sure they’re essentially aimed straight ahead. “You can easily have them a couple of turns out and, if they grip, they’ll throw you off the track.”
A well prepared driver always carry a winch or a recovery strap. “The snatch-back recovery method works like a giant rubber band,” says Cottee, explaining, “One car gently drives away stretching the recovery strap between them. The energy in the rope builds up until the car pulls free”. It may look effortless but the forces involved are very powerful. “The straps have a breaking strain of nine tones so inexperienced people sometimes attach it to a tow ball. They can be ripped off and hurled like a slingshot,” he warns. Always use rock solid recovery points.
When the weather turns bad after a day’s surfing an unwary traveler can be trapped with impassable roads between you and civilization. For sand he advises “grab a shovel or whatever will do the job and dig a long sloping trench in front of each wheel. ” A lower tire pressure will spread the weight over the sand like snowshoes but Cottee advises, “pump them back up at soon as possible or you’ll risk blowouts on the highway.”
If you’re bogged down to the floor-pan take a load off - literally. Unloading people luggage, tents, eskies into the side of a muddy road may not be fun but it might be enough to reduce friction in what Cottee calls “the traction passage way” under the vehicle. It’s a dirty job but - if you want out alive - someone’s got to do it.
3. Launching the perfect torpedo kick
Lenny Eng is the cofounder of www.coachafl.com a research resource for AFL coaches and player. He says that “the torpedo travels further than a drop punt, but is also less reliable off the boot and harder to mark.” Get it right and you’ll look like a pro. Get it wrong and “you’ll look like an idiot when it slews into a mongrel punt,” says Eng.
To kick a right footed Torpedo kick “Hold the ball with your left hand slightly in front of the laces and the right hand slightly behind. During the kicking motion, guide the ball down to your foot with your right hand. At the point of contact make sure the ball is vertical with the ground and angled across the foot at approximately 45 degrees. Point your toes and follow through the ball with a high kick.”
If kicked correctly, the ball should spin in a spiral motion around the long axis. It’s this motion that allows the ball to cut through the air and travel the extra distance all the way to the goal line.
4. Unhooking a bra one-handed.
Wendy Fellows, head designer for underwear manufacturer Bendon in New Zealand. She doesn’t design bras with men in mind but is happy to offer some important insight into their structure. “The vast majority fasten by hooks and eyes. The twisting clip design that was big in the 1980s you’ll only really find them now on bras that undo from the front,” she says. (Front clips have a habit of popping open.)
“Looking at the back, the hooks are always on the right hand side,” says Fellows. For right-handers slide your fingers just past the join and grasp the bra with your thumb on the eye side, fingers on the hook side. (To be sure, draw your finger back along the underside peeling back the section of strap with the unused eyes to expose the join.) Next pinch the bra together while pulling it away from the body as if you were Cupid shooting an arrow (this avoids pinching the skin). You should then be able to peel the hooks off the eyes by just rubbing your thumb and fingers.
If in doubt it pays to take a practical lesson from a field researcher. In this case a teenage boy. “When I was about 12,” muses Fellows, “my friend’s brother used to put his sister’s bra on a chair and practice taking it off one handed. He’d time himself and see how fast he could do it. It was the bench mark for all the boys at school.”
There’s an important lesson to be learnt in this anecdote: the boys were impressed not the girls. “It’s OK for a guy to be nervous and fumble a little. If their skills are really slick you’ve got to be worried why,” says Fellows. So play it cool Casanova.
5. Pitching a tent.
Ian Phillips has pitched tents hundreds of times at both the North and South Poles and he says there’s no shame in having a practice run in your back yard. “The worse case scenario is you’re putting up a tent for the first time in nasty conditions,” he says. There are two basic varieties: geodesic tents (poles criss-cross a dome shape) and tunnel tents (parallel loops). “You wouldn’t get to many people going to the South Pole in a tunnel tent - geodesic are stronger,” says Philips. Frequently geodesic poles are different lengths offering first timers many opportunities for embarrassment so it get to know the quirks of your design.
Assuming the camp site is clear of trees, hornet nests, potential flash floods and jack jumpers, take out your tent (securing the bag so it doesn’t blow away) and grab the rear of the floor. (Some polar campers tie a large loop to the rearward anchor so they can find it easily. “Point the rear into the wind and anchor it straight away with a tent peg or whatever you’re using. The tent will blow downwind in the direction you want to stake it down,” advises Philips.
Secure the anchors that define the back wall then start feeding the poles through the canopy. “The tent needs a three dimensional form before you can find the correct pitching points,” he says, explaining that it’s usually a two person job. One pushes the tent poles while the other feeds them through without disassembling the elastic shock chord.
When it’s up very quickly stake down the remaining floor plan. Next: guy ropes. Again start upwind. “It’s important to angle them correctly. A 90 degree angle between the rope and peg is good”, says Philips. Lastly before you huddle inside and wait out the long polar winter, listen to what the tent is telling you. If it’s flapping like loose rigging, adjust the ropes and pegs until the only sound is the howling storm.
6. Pruning large trees.
Using a chain saw is easy: not getting injured is the hard part. Stephen Ashenden has been selling chainsaws at GYC Castle Hill for five years. “They’re like motor bikes: you don’t want one so big that you can’t hold it up or too small that it won’t do the job. ” he says. Chainsaws come in bar sizes from 10-22 and he recommends 14 inches as adequate for most handyman jobs. Also buy one with an inertia brake and every safety feature you can afford. Safety gear he suggests is well everything: helmet, gloves, overalls, face mask, earmuffs, boots and chaps. “Safety gear will only reduce the severity of the accident,” he says.
“Never cut branches above shoulder height or cut with the tip of the saw, and make sure you have a clear escape path 45 degrees away from the limb if possible,” he advises, the last thing you want is to be trapped near a falling tree.
Don’t be in a hurry to let the chips fly. A safe chainsaw operator will examine the tree to determine where it’s likely to fall and how the cut will behave. “Ideally you want to cut wood under tension. Cutting underneath a horizontal limb under compression will grip the saw,” he says. Kickback from a nail of rock can cause a blade to head towards your face faster than you can blink, so lock your left elbow. “If the branch is thicker than the blade of the chainsaw is long, it’s a sure sign that you need to call in a professional,” says Ashenden.
7. Barbecuing seafood.
Chef Neil Perry’s restaurants Rockpool and XO have an emphasis on the freshest seafood, something he says is equally important for home cooks. “Know your fish monger,” Perry says, estimating that about 60 percent of fish is sub par. “I would tend to never buy fillets. Buy whole fish so you can tell how fresh it is. It should have beautiful bright eyes, firms scales and most importantly smell like the sea, not fishy.”
There are always bigger fish to fry so beginners are best advised to start small with a nice thin fillet. “If you’re a novice and you take a beautiful thick piece of snapper that’s going to take ten minutes to cook, you’re more likely to make a mistake with it.”
“Let the butter dictate the temperature,” advises Perry. “If you’re just nut-browning the butter and olive oil it’s at a great temperature to cook. If it’s turning black its too hot.”
Ocean trout and salmon are great barbecue fare because Perry says that they “have a nice high oil content and are cooked fairly rare so they naturally stay fairly tender.” But resist the temptation to compulsively prod it. (It’s dead already.) Perry suggests that fish should be treated almost like pancakes. “You really just want to crust it on one side and turn it once. The worst thing you can do is be flipping it around a lot,” he says.
Roast whole fish and crayfish isn’t as daunting as it the spiny buggers look. “It’s very easy: put the lobster in the freezer so it goes to sleep, cut it in half and put it on the grill or the oven.” When choosing herbs Perry advises steering clear of harder ones like rosemary and thyme favouring delicate flat leaf parsley, chives, dill and tarragon.
If there’s one trick that will turn you from Barnacle Bill into Neil Perry it’s timing. “Everybody tends to overcook fish. If it’s cooked perfectly in the pan it’s going to overdone on the plate,” he says.
8. Tie the knot (of rope variety).
Scott Finsten from Sydney’s Cruising yacht Club has been a dock master for 15 years and sailing for 15 more. He admits that a broad understanding of knots isn’t the easiest thing to master. “Even yachties pull out their knot books from time to time - even if they won’t admit it,” he says.
There are three knots every man should know. “The most common is the reef not. It’s used for tying two pieces of rope together.” (Essential for escaping from a high window using torn bed sheets.) The second is the bowline: it’s perfect to loop over a tow bar to haul a car to safety. “It’s easy to undo, won’t come undone accidentally but will never jam up either”, he explains.
The most complex and impressive knot a landlubber should learn is the truckie’s hitch. This genius piece of rope work has a self-tensioning capability that makes tying down any trailer a breeze. “It creates what we call a double purchase which works like a lever,” he says. The result is a trailer load you can play like a double bass.
With one end already fastened to the tarpaulin, form an eye in the free end by twisting the rope once around your finger; pass a loop of rope through the eye; next pass the free end around the trailer rail then back up through the loop, you should now be able use the “leverage” to tighten the rope by pulling down on the free end of rope; complete the knot by tying two half hitches to the lower portion of the truckie’s hitch.
For some good tips www.animatedknots.com
9. Choosing the right wine.
Wine consultant at Melbourne’s City Wine Room, Sam Theodoropolis has helped many men including ex Prime Minister Paul Keating choose an appropriate tipple.
He suggests sticking with new world wines from Australia and New Zealand.
“They’re identified by grape variety rather than style of wine,” he explains. Don’t feel pressured into ordering wine before the food either. (In fact your sommelier will be able to make suggestions based on what you’ve ordered.) Theodoropolis says that the old notion of “red wine, red meat; white wine white meat” isn’t really valid. “It has more to do with the “palate weight” of the wine versus food. “Sushi matches well with a delicate Reisling rather than a full blown oaked Chardonnay,” he says adding that “There are no real juxtapositions in wine/food pairing.”
Don’t be embarrassed to get your sommelier to test the wine especially if they suggested it. “Who better to tell you if the wine is in good condition. They’re doing the job for the love of the product and they’ll certainly take back a bottle if it’s not right,” he says.
For red drinkers a Shiraz is always a safe bet. “Shiraz isn’t as tannic as Cabernet Savignon and most restaurants don’t have the storage to cellar Cabernets for the time they need. As a result they’re often presented too young,” he says. Whites are the hardest to chose because they tend to polarize people. “Cat’s pee on a gooseberry bush is how one distinguished wine writer described a perfectly nice Savignon Blanc,” he laughs.
Theodoropolis estimates that $45 will guarantee you a quality wine in a restaurant and $100 will buy something really special. “Don’t buy above that unless you’ve done the research. A stratospheric price doesn’t guarantee a magnificent wine. The best thing to do is to learn to describe how much of the basic wine characteristics like tanin, fruit and oak you want to taste. “Talk about it with your dining companion so you become a mediator rather than an expert. That way, even if you don’t know much about wine, you get to learn a little from the sommelier and never come across as a fool,” he says.
10. Fixing a puncture on a bike.
Tom Skulander, National Road Coordinator for Cycling Australia estimates he’s ridden well over 100,000 kilometers in the 40 years “A puncture repair kit is pure desperation,” he says. “If it’s been raining you’ve got Buckley’s chance putting a patch on a tube because the glue won’t work, or after a year it’s probably dried up anyway. Replacement tubes are so cheap and compact nowadays you’d be mad not to carry one under your seat,” he says.
The essential knowledge you really need is how to change an inner tube. Getting it off is the easy part: remove the wheel, hook tire levers under the bead of the tire working it around until one side of the tire is off the rim and finally pull out the inner tube. “If it has been punctured by something that’s a mystery often you’ll find the mystery is still in the tire,” says Skulander, suggesting that you run your fingers around the inside of the tire to check for protrusions.
Anyone can replace the tube by following these steps in reverse but a smart cyclist will has a couple of tricks left. “Every rim has a base tape that sits over the spoke-nipple holes to stop the tube touching them. You need to make sure the base tape is covering them properly. If you can see the edge of a hole it will almost certainly cause a puncture,” he says. Also he says that some tubes are a tight fit and are easily pinched as the tire snaps back over the rim. Storing inner tubes in talcum powder can help make it slippery but Skulander has a better idea: “Put a very small amount of air in the tube. It sits up inside the tire rather than close to the rim where it can be pinched”. Then basically it’s On Yer Bike!
ENDS
